Can You Hear Me Now

When I was a teenager, I was an ultra late bloomer, and my mom would say it was a blessing because it means you never have to wonder if guys are only interested in you because you’ve got boobs.

Anna Kendrick

I recently came upon the following:

A survey conducted by the Survey Center on American Life found that only 56 percent of Gen Z adults said they were involved in a romantic relationship at any point during their teenage years. Compare that to three-quarters of Baby Boomers (78 percent) and Generation Xers (76 percent) who report having had a boyfriend or girlfriend as teenagers.

My initial reaction was surprise. For me, healthy relationships (romantic or otherwise) are essential to a good life. The connections I have with my friends and family are essential to my mental health. They inspire and support me in enumerable ways and I would like to think that I do the same for them. I’ve had my struggles and major setbacks, but thanks to my relationships, I’ve never truly been alone.

Of course, that’s me thinking as an adult. After I pondered the survey for a while, I recalled my own teenage years and how messy they were when it came to romantic relationships. My hormones were raging, but my mind was still that of a fifth grader — if even that.

I clearly remembers falling in and out of love on a daily basis. As a late-bloomer when it came to the dating scene, these were all unrequited and unspoken loves, but I saw the same thing play out in my more socially active friends and classmate and it wasn’t very pretty. Their bodies wanted what their minds could not comprehend and with few exceptions, teenage romantic relationships were crash and burn affairs — several on an epic scale.

I remember two high school romances that led to teenage marriages and neither one lasted more than a few years — one barely made it past the 12 month mark. How many 18-year-olds truly understand who they are, who they are becoming, and what they need to thrive as they age? None of my four friends did and it was painful to see their lives and so-called everlasting loves unravel so quickly. Thankfully, both marriages ended childless and everyone was able to begin building new lives that were unencumbered with the weight of their rushed entanglements.

One step forward
takes us two steps away
even foot-still standing
we ever fade from one another
until the distance between
is equal to the invisible line that calls us strangers

Caution
you are reaching the end of the moving walkway

Digging Deeper

I wanted to understand this further so I did some poking around the Internet and came upon a research paper from the year 2019: Social Misfit or Normal Development? Students Who Do Not Date.

In the paper, the two researchers surveyed 594 10th graders and found that the students who were not dating rated significantly higher in terms of social skills and leadership. They also rated significantly lower in terms of depression.

Note: This is an NIH research paper and I question how long it will take before the current president destroys it as he has so many other works of science. Read it quickly!

So, although teenagers are no longer dating in the numbers of their parents and grandparents, not dating was actually beneficial to their wellbeing. The 17-year-old me would have argued vehemently with that, but the 66-year-old me fully gets it. I had so much to learn about life, and being a friend and classmate of members of the opposite sex was far more beneficial to my emotional development than going through the complications of dating. I was messed up enough already and one more way to be confused, hurt, humiliated, rejected, etc. would not have done me any good.

I waited until university to start dating and after a few romantic false starts (my own personal crash and burns), I found the person I would marry and build a life with. Did I still have a lot to learn about relationships? Of course I did, but I began from a more mature point in life. At 20-something the hormones were still raging, but my mind had mostly caught up to my age. 45-plus years later it’s still not where I want it to be, but who isn’t a work in progress?

Sadly, there is more to positive teenage emotional development than delayed dating. Today’s kids are being bombarded with social media pressures and readily available pornography (a blog article for another day). Boys and young men are especially suffering from all that manosphere crap. It’s hard enough for them to grow into their true selves without the garbage they are having to wade through. Baby boomers like me certainly had our issues, but they seem trivial compared to what’s out there today.

In any case, losing the dating distraction sounds like a good thing. Highschoolers feel they cannot grow up fast enough, but eventually we all begin to understand that slowing down is essential to finding our ways through the complexities of adulthood. At least that’s how it worked for me.

To quote Joni Mitchell’s Circle Game:

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels thru the town
And they tell him take your time it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down

That’s my old guy two cents. Thank you for reading.

Late nights in darkened back seats stumbling
fumbling with buttons and the clasps on the backs of brassieres
we were daring yet innocently chaste
uncovering delirious mysteries
strictly above the waist

Not quite children, but not yet adults
behind breath-fogged windows
we reenacted rituals ancient and oft repeated
convinced we were the Magellans of our time
discovering new and heretofore unconquered lands
staking out our claim with trembling and sweaty hands