Can You Hear Me Now

Sexuality is one of the ways that we become enlightened, actually, because it leads us to self-knowledge.

Alice Walker

Note: I tried to not use the word “sexuality” in the title of this article, but the alternates were either too clunky or sounded as if I was trying too hard to sound clever. “Life is Juicy” was fun and quite tempting, but not exactly the tone I wanted to set. In the end, I decided that it was best to be up-front about the nature of this missive. Putting it out there from the get-go gives my readers the ability to turn tail and run before things get too messy. Honestly, though, this is pretty tame stuff.

And now, on with the show.

As I wrote in last week’s article, I recently attended an older men’s retreat where one of our many topics was healthy sexuality. In that article, I delved into one participant’s story and turned it into a discussion of our future selves.

Today, I want to spend a little time on the bulk of the conversation. What is healthy human sexuality? How is it defined? What are the barriers that prevent us from living it? What are our personal visions of what we would like to experience in our lives.

Given that we were nine different men with nine different life experiences, no two definitions were identical. However, there was a lot of overlap. This is what we all generally agreed upon:

• Love
• Respect
• Kindness
• Consideration
• Pleasure
• Arousal
• Trust
• Anticipation
• Intimacy not readily shared with others
• Shared attraction
• Communication
• Honesty
• Commitment
• Experimentation
• Playfulness
• Laughter
• Selflessness
• Balance
• Permeable boundaries

It’s interesting that most of the words do not apply to the physical aspects of sex. Pleasure, arousal, and attraction are outnumbered by emotional words like respect, love, honesty, playfulness, and balance. We didn’t apply any weights to the aspects, though, so it’s highly possible that for certain men, pleasure ranks far above playfulness. However, as important as the physical aspects are (everything from holding hands to climax), I really don’t believe that any of the men would place them above love, trust, and honesty.

It is also necessary to point out that there was not a lot of emphasis on the acts traditionally involved in sexual intimacy. Perhaps some of that was due to our ages. 60 years old was young in this group and the mechanics of sex beyond a certain age are not the same as when you are in your 20s or 30s.

Even so, we recognized that true healthy sexual intimacy is far more than connecting body parts — no matter how much emphasis mainstream media places on that. Most of the men are in long term relationships and understand that it takes the head (the one above the neck) and heart to make the bump and grind of sex (be it sexual touch or penetration) transformative. Healthy sexuality spends most of its time fully dressed and outside the bedroom. The fireworks of sexual pleasure are the rewards for the time and effort we spend nurturing and caring for our emotional needs.

When I completely submerge my sensuality or my sexuality, I’m not very interesting. Angie Dickinson

Tear Down That Wall

I was very intrigued by the phrase “permeable boundaries.” Unlike a hard and fast boundary (“Under no circumstance will I do that”), permeable boundaries allow for someone to gauge the effects that altering or bending a boundary might have on a relationship.

It’s going from “Never will I” to “I understand that this is very important to you and our love compels me to examine, explain, and perhaps modify my boundary.” In these cases, sticking with “Never will I” is acceptable only as long as the reasoning is openly discussed. Always remember that “Because” is never a good answer to “Why not?”

Ultimately, permeable boundaries and communication go hand in hand. Speak and be heard. Listen and work together to find understanding and perhaps a reasonable compromise. Staying silent only builds resentments and resentments are the enemy of lasting connection.

To find yourself in the place of belonging
being aware of every movement
every impulse and breath

To see what your eyes need to see
to hear the words you have been longing to hear
and for the first time believing

Embracing the beauty of knowing
surging with the strength that only comes from being

Like putting on your favorite pair of jeans
and loving the way they fit

The Many Roadblocks to Healthy Sexuality

Unfortunately, we humans are capable of placing quite a few roadblocks on the road to healthy sexuality. We can complicate and mess up even something as sacred and essential as sex. These roadblocks include:

• Insecurities
• Trauma
• Religion
• Physical limitations
• Addiction
• Family of origin issues
• Shame
• Fear
• Misinformation
• Gender confusion
• Unreasonable expectations
• Ignorance
• Regret
• Guilt
• Prejudice
• Personal history
• Abuse
• Anger
• Resentment

Did I miss anything?

Not to reveal too much of my own life, I have experienced several of the above to one degree or another. Sex was a taboo subject in my birth family and I came into my teenage and ultimately adult years completely unprepared as to what was right, wrong, good, bad, acceptable, or ideal. Like far too many people, I stumbled along with notions that had no basis in honest sexual expression. I had no idea what I really wanted other than primal sexual release.

The birth of everyone’s sexuality, in a way, I think, is based off of one’s relationship with their parents. Jacob Elordi

As a human being, it’s my job to keep my eyes wide open, learn from my mistakes, ask for help when help is required, and always do the next right thing. That is true for car repairs as well as healthy sexuality and the former if far more important in my life.

We do our best when we feel empowered, appreciated, and alive. Isn’t that what good sex is all about?

I Can See For Miles

The difference between defining healthy sexuality and vision might seem baffling. It was to me. In the end, I decided that vision was derived by looking at what I personally need as part of my own relationship. I asked myself what I have today, what am I missing, and what am I striving for.

For the sake of privacy, I will not detail my answers, but I will say that my vision once again winds up in the communication bucket. Am I willing to tell my partner what is working, what is falling short, and what would really rock my boat if she was willing to give it a try?

Of course, those permeable boundaries play a big part in this, too. Just because I ask for something doesn’t mean that it has to be granted. And if it is not acceptable to my partner, love, respect, and kindness often lead to a compromise that works just as well as the original ask. Sometimes close enough is better than where my imagination might take me.

This leads me the need to add “creativity” into the healthy sexuality definition. Creativity allows everything to remain fresh and avoids falling into boredom and ruts. The same goes for spontaneity. It’s good to forgo too much planning and just let it happen.

Coming Back for More

As I wrote in last month’s missive, it’s often difficult for adult men to find safe spaces for important conversations. This is especially true as we age. It’s too easy for our worlds to grow smaller with each passing year. This leads to us feeling less important. I am thankful that I have several groups where I can voice my concerns and struggles and know that they will be heard. I may not always like the answers, but I trust that they are coming at me from a place of honesty.

Did our healthy sexuality discussion reveal anything particularly earthshattering? No, but simply being with nine men willing to talk about their hopes, struggles, and experiences in vulnerable ways was more than enough for me. It’s what keeps me coming back for more.

Thank you for reading.

How the morning seeps through cracks and crevices
nudging, prodding
coaxing life into dream and slumber
how sunlight through curtain lace sets the spark
to a reluctant, tired tinder

Sleepy-eyed woman
tightly wrapped in her cocoon of reticence and reserve
warily answering dawn’s persistent call
she grows into the day
like grass through a sheet of concrete
slow, but steady

With a heart made for loving
and a body made to be loved
the new day begins