Can You Hear Me Now

You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.

Abraham Lincoln

A little more than a week ago, I attended a retreat for older men. We discussed a number of topics during the course of the day, but the one that stood out the most was developing and maintaining healthy sexuality. Due to the demographics of the attendees, healthy sexuality for aging men was a large part of the conversation, but much of what was said applied to men and women of any age.

Knowing that we were in a safe space, nearly everyone shared vulnerable and intimate aspects of where they are in their lives today and what it took to get there — what they are happy with and what do they seek to change. To me, it was a sacred experience. It’s rare that men can gather and open up their lives like this. Especially on a topic as delicate and as triggering as sex. As important as sex is in our lives, we have few healthy outlets to discuss it and most concerns remain unspoken.

There were so many discussions I could write about, but I am choosing this one for today’s article.

Would You, Could You, Should You

One gentleman is in a relatively new relationship after a long marriage and painful divorce. He knew his current partner in high school, but they were out of touch for many decades. I am not sure of the details, but I believe they became reacquainted through a mutual friend and the power of social media. As with any new relationship, there have been many adjustment issues, but for now they are willing to see where this one takes them.

There is one big issue, though. The woman has uncurable genital herpes and while it can be mostly controlled, it’s very possible for her to pass it on to my friend. I am not sure of all the details, but there is a medication she takes that helps keep the herpes in check and she is only contagious during an outbreak. Condoms are also very effective in preventing the spread from her to him.

The trouble is that my friend doesn’t like using condoms and for some time he has been taking his chances. Still, the concern is there and he bravely brought it to the group for our thoughts and consideration.

My response was simple. “If you were to catch herpes, would your future self be angry that you did not use condoms?”

After posing the question my friend sat in silence for several long seconds. He finally looked up from the floor and softly said one word. “Yes.”

The whole is cleaved
ripped and torn apart
like Moses’ rent in the sea
we are left with this side and that
one driving forward as the other falls back

One foot in the future
the other in a collapsing past

I Told You So

Ever since that day I have been thinking a lot about what my future self would say to my current self. While catching herpes is not something I have any personal concern about, I thought about some of the things I am doing today that I might regret years from now — things I have real control over. Without falling into the trap of berating myself in unproductive ways, there are a few aspects of my life that I need to own and give serious thought to.

I also pondered all the things my future self is already saying to my past self. There were too many unproductive behaviors I wish I had changed much earlier and too many actions I wish I didn’t take. I cannot undo the past, but I would like to believe that I am using those shortcomings to be a better me today.

There is never time in the future in which we will work out our salvation. The challenge is in the moment; the time is always now. James Baldwin

For example, I work hard at being a good grandfather — or “Boppa” as my grandchildren call me. While I strive for balance, I am always reminding myself of the times I wish I spent with my kids, but did not. I cannot unwind the clock, but I can give to grandchildren what I did not always give to my kids. In a sense, I am paying it backwards.

Case in point, spending time with my youngest grandson requires a lot more effort and drive time than it takes to be with the three older ones. So, when I had to choose between a poetry event I was looking forward to reading at and spending an evening taking care of the little guy (or “little sir” as my son calls him), I chose family over me. Babies grow up so quickly and my future self reminded me that missing this opportunity would haunt me much longer than an evening of freeform verse. Additionally, being there for my son today is a tiny amend for the times I wasn’t there when he was growing up. This is my future future self taking advice from my current future self. Read that until it makes sense.

My future self is also a big part of my activism. It’s one of the voices that compels me to attend marches and rallies. It’s present when I leave my warm house in the dead of winter to stand on a freezing pedestrian bridge waving signs of democracy. It’s why I gave up a Sunday to be a delegate at our local DFL convention. My future self reminds me of the privileges and responsibilities I have been given due to being a straight, white, well-off male with a United States passport.

The changes I hope to see tomorrow are the direct result of the steps I take today.

And then there are the future self voices I work hard at ignoring. I won’t bore you with the details, but there are plenty of behaviors I ought to change yet cannot find the willingness to do so. For now, I am going to count the fact that I know what they are as a tiny victory.

Finishing the Hat

I love the works of Stephen Sondheim and was ecstatic when I learned that Netflix added a filmed performance of Merrily We Roll Along to its roster. For those of you unfamiliar with the play, it’s the story of three friends and how their relationship changes (i.e. horribly degrades) over the years. In a brilliant artistic twist, the story is told backwards. It starts at the point where the friendship is in tatters and rolls back time year by year to show how it unraveled.

Don’t be afraid it won’t be perfect. The only thing to be afraid of, really, is that it won’t be. Stephen Sondheim

I started composing this article in my head a few days before watching the play. From the first scene to the poignant ending, I felt compelled to sit at my keyboard and put my thoughts into words. The story of Frank, Charlie, and Mary is the story of many future selves realizing what the past selves failed to see. Betrayal, deceit, greed, unspoken words, addiction, and selfishness destroy lives and lead us into darkness, and there are lots of signposts along the way that tell us to turn back. Sadly, Frank rarely took the time to see and act on them.

Looking Forward

Today’s ask is that I spend more time pondering my own signposts and the potential words of my future selves. Which of today’s habits will not be looked upon kindly tomorrow? What can I do now to avoid a spiritual “I told you so” down the line?

I am not looking for perfect. Perfect doesn’t exist. Instead, I am looking for ways to add a little more progress into my flawed human existence. This is something my future self agrees with wholeheartedly.

Thank you for reading.

The whole is cleaved
ripped and torn apart
like Moses’ rent in the sea
we are left with this side and that
one driving forward as the other falls back

One foot in the future
the other in a collapsing past