Can You Hear Me Now

Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Mark Twain

When my youngest son, James, was around 11 or 12, he and I joined with a few other fathers and their sons to create what we called The Sun Club. Every week we met for activities and group discussions. The goal of the group was to help us dads become better parents while we guided our children into adulthood.

When a boy reached the age of 13 we held a transition ceremony. It wasn’t a very formal affair, but we did have a few rituals that marked his passage into the teenage years. My favorite of these was when each dad offered up advice on how to live a good and meaningful life.

I recently discovered that I kept copies of the things I said to the boys. Collectively they read:

• Don’t be afraid to try something you don’t think you can do.
• Share your heart with the world.
• Make a joyous noise.
• Treat the world with loving care.
• Take care of your body.
• Believe in the tremendous power inside you, but be humble about it.
• Don’t ever stop learning new things.
• Live for today with an eye towards tomorrow.
• Allow people to help you.
• Give yourself permission to hurt.
• Give yourself permission to be happy.
• Be engaged in life.
• Don’t be afraid to deal with the hard stuff.

Today, I would like to write about one of my most important bits of Dad wisdom:

• An apology is not an excuse.

I explained that saying “I’m sorry” must never be followed up with the reason or reasons why you did or didn’t do the thing you are sorry about. For example, saying “I am sorry I took your bike without asking, but I really needed to get to the mall” is the same as saying “My need to get to the mall was more important than respecting your personal property.” An excuse complete negates the weight of an attempted apology and you end up being sorry for nothing other than getting caught.

20+ years later I would still give this exact same advice to any of my three sons. In fact, it’s advice I regularly need to give to myself. While I am better at saying I’m sorry that I was in the past, all too often it comes with a caveat.

“I am sorry for raising my voice, but that driver was being a jerk.”

“I am sorry if what I said hurt you, but you were pissing me off.”

“I am sorry if I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t think you cared.”

“I am sorry if laughed at what you said, but you really need to stop being so sensitive.”

In every case, I am not all that sorry and I put the blame for my mistakes on someone else. If those non-apologies were said to me, I would only hear the words following the “but.”

You cannot recognize bad driving.

You piss me off.

You are not interested in my life.

You are too sensitive.

There isn’t a whole lot of sorry in any of that, is there?

Follow the Rules

Here are what I believe to be the guidelines for a good apology.

• Know why you are apologizing. Don’t rush towards an apology unless you are sure of what you did and are prepared to make things right.
• Start with “I am sorry.” An apology should never be buried within a long explanation. Say you are sorry and what you are sorry for.
• Never say “but.” The word “but” negates everything that came before it. It’s essentially saying “Sorry, not sorry.”
• Own your role in the issue. This is an I statement. Allow other’s to take responsibility for their actions. This is not the time to take another person’s inventory.
• Focus on the impact and not the intent. Even if you thought your intentions to be flawless, this is not about why you did it. It’s about what you did. Why is best left for a future conversation.
• Make an actionable amend. The words “I am sorry” are important, but even more important is what you do next. That’s where the rubber hits the road and the apology takes on real meaning.

Some might add “ask for forgiveness,” but for me that’s a tricky proposition. I leave that up to the person I am apologizing to. Allow him or her the time, space, and willingness to decide what forgiveness looks like. Forgiveness is so much sweeter when it occurs on its own and isn’t requested.

Forgiveness would be a great topic for a future article. Stay tuned to this site for more.

As important as it is to apologize, it is just as important to not over-apologize. Saying you are sorry for everything that goes wrong in life can become an excuse for others to continue their own bad behaviors. No single person is always to blame when things go sideways. Let others own their mistakes and take responsibility for them. You aren’t doing anyone any favors for carrying too much of the shared load. This will only lead to resentments and that’s never a healthy path.

Sometimes I want too much
hold on too tightly
stand too close
look too long
stay too late
sometimes I take too much
give too little and take for granted
sometimes I stand in the way
refusing to step aside and quietly fade away

The hurt that I bring
the times I am wounded

Sometimes I need to feel more
for the mistakes I make
and the messes I leave behind
before it all comes crashing down

The Bottom Line

In all cases, an apology doesn’t end with words. An actionable amend consists of the changes that help prevent the same mistake from happening again.

Note the words “help prevent.” All too often we are doomed to repeat mistakes and the subsequent apologies until we figure out the right steps and build them into our day-to-day actions. Some habits are hard to break and bad habits often take the most amount of time and effort. I am the poster child for that.

We are all broken people and broken people screw up. That’s one of the reasons I wrote this blog article. I am never far from yet another failure of judgement. An honest and appropriate apology keeps me humble and humility is one of the cornerstones to a good life.

Thank you for reading.

Emily Dickinson

When I’m dead and gone
and my corpse lies rotting six feet in the ground
or burnt to a crisp, resting in a jar

You’ll wish you paid more attention
to my rants
my raves
to my hopes and dreams

You’ll wish you’d stopped what you were doing
perked up your ears
opened your eyes
and gave me more than a passing glance

Yes, one day you’ll be sorry
when all you’ve got to say
is “If I only knew then what I surely know now”

But too late is too late
and the last words
just you wait and see
will
be
mine