Can You Hear Me Now

Someone to hold me too close
Someone to hurt me too deep
Someone to sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive

Stephen Sondheim

In last week’s article, On Being Human, I wrote of how at the ripe age of 67 I began my Coming of Age process. I answered the human part of the question “What does it mean to be human and alive,” but the alive part was left undone. Today I hope to fix that.

Beginning with the physical aspects, every living human needs a heart that beats, lungs that breathe, and cells that divide. If we are fortunate, we also have eyes that see, ears that hear, extremities that move, and fingers that can sense warmth and touch. I say fortunate because we all know people who live very full lives without one or more of these. You can read about one such person in my article, The Sessions.

Of course, there are those of us who need technology to stay alive. Think about folks with an artificial heart, a pacemaker, or those who require dialysis to cleanse their blood. While not essential to biological life, I will also add less dramatic technological assistance such as eye glasses, hearing aids, artificial hands, and wheelchairs. I doubt that anyone would say that these people are not as alive as someone who doesn’t require an external device to support day to day existence.

Despite the importance of a functioning anatomy, I believe that the question “What does it mean to be alive” asks us to go much deeper than flesh and blood. I need to examine my aliveness in ways that rise above the rest of the animal kingdom and that is how I am going to approach the rest of this missive.

Fun fact: The lyrics at the top of this post come from the Stephen Sondheim musical, Company. One of Sondheim’s finest works, Company is filled with more than its fair share of memorable moments. Rising to the top is the song Being Alive. The original performance was by Dean Jones (who knew that the guy from all those 1960s live action Disney movies could sing?), but due to marital problems, Dean dropped out after only two weeks into the run. Thankfully, he and the rest of the original cast recorded his performance in the studio. If you haven’t seen his amazing rendition, it can be found here. In addition to Dean’s amazing singing, Elain Stritch’s expressions are a marvel to behold.

The Walking Dead

As an American baby boomer male, I was taught to keep my emotions in check. “Boys Don’t Cry” was more than just a phrase. It was a way of life that was instilled in me from a very early age. Boys are tough. Boys don’t ask for help. Only sissies show their feelings. Physical strength is the epidemy of manhood. Masculinity is the reward for flushing out all forms of weakness from of our bodies.

It’s no wonder that so many boys grow into men who struggle with creating and maintaining strong emotional bonds. We practice what we’ve been taught and demonstrated by our own fathers.

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L’Engle

Being Unalive

It might be easiest to begin this journey by thinking about when I have felt least alive. These include the times when I:

• felt helpless and alone.
• was overworked.
• found myself in a very uncomfortable place of my own doing.
• felt ignored or rejected.
• wallowed in anger, shame, or self-pity.
• became caught up in mindless routines.
• was bored and apathetic.
• ignored my moral compass.

In all cases, my spirit felt sapped of energy and the negative, downward spiral kept me locked in my malaise. It often took some external factor to bring me out of my funk.

The weight of the world squarely on your shoulders
the mistakes
the misdeeds and misunderstandings
pressing down upon your chest

Anger and disrespect
careless disregard and disdain
the well of sadness that pools in the empty spaces inside your heart

Stand tall
stand compelled and exultant
life is for the willing
no one is alone

Being Alive

On the flip side, I am most alive when I:

• feel empowered
• am fully engaged in whatever it is I am doing.
• feel competent and capable.
• can laugh at my mistakes.
• am experiencing personal growth.
• am of service to my community.
• am surrounded by people that care about my well-being.
• feel connected to and mindful of my surroundings.
• am awash in beauty.
• am connected to my physical self.
• feel useful and appreciated.

Digging into my alive and unalive sides I see patterns. Isolation versus connection. Holding in versus letting go. Disconnected versus belonging. Drawing inward versus opening up.

I also see strong connections between my Being Human list and my Being Alive list. To save you the effort of going back to my previous blog, here it again.

A human is a living being that:

• can think, ponder, and question beyond that which is required for basic survival.
• longs to be heard, understood, accepted, appreciated, respected, and loved.
• feels the need to leave some form of legacy.
• can make choices beyond instinctual desires. 
• expresses love and empathy for others.
• use imagination to envision what does not exist. 
• creates, tells, and listens to stories.
• understands the notion of art and beauty.
• is capable of accepting, forgiving, and healing.
• desires to know its place and role in the universe.
• creates and maintains traditions and rituals.
• appreciates and practices humor.
• contemplates the differences between right and wrong.

Connecting the dots shows me that to be a human in the best cases is to be alive. Because I can understand the notion of art and beauty, I feel alive when I am awash in beauty. When I express love and empathy for others, I welcome in people who care about my well-being. When I think, ponder and question, I become empowered, competent, capable, and connected.

The same is true when I reverse the direction. When I am of service, I express love. When I experience personal growth, I learn more of my place and role in the universe. When I feel useful and appreciated, I satisfy my need to be heard, understood, respected, and loved. It’s a beautiful marriage between what I am called to be and the rewards that come from a life well lived.

I challenge any artificial intelligence model to get even close to that. They are good at pretending, but will never be the real thing.

There are, of course, those darker sides of being human — of which there are many. In my On Being Human article I list the following:

Lying, cheating, indiscriminately killing, ghosting, gas lighting, vanity, backstabbing, bullying, boasting, belittling, gloating, jealousy, condescension, sidelining, ranting, arrogance, apathy, playing the victim, jumping to conclusions, micromanaging, overpromising, rage, bitterness, mudslinging, denying, gossiping, envy, manipulation, shaming, greed, pouting, slandering, scapegoating, conceit, overconfidence, narcissism, and disdain.

I am afraid to count them up, but I expect that I have suffered most of the above and in every case, I felt less human and less alive. My character flaws and shortcomings drive me to feel helpless, unappreciated, lonely, apathetic, and wary of change. In other words, I feel diminished.

Still, as undesirable as they are, these negative aspects can be be used to turn my ship around. As with the many mistakes I make, these lapses in sanity become useful tools when recognized and acted upon. If you see something, say something, do something, be something. Be something better than what my shame tells me I am.

Put One Foot in Front of the Other and Breath in Love

Two days ago, Linda and I gathered with tens of thousands of our closest friends for the second No Kings rally and march. To say we felt exhilarated would be an understatement. Standing shoulder to shoulder ( literally and figuratively) with so many like-minded people reminded me of how powerful it is to be in community. We fed on each other’s energy and gave back more than we took in.

From my Being Alive list, I felt empowered, engaged, useful, appreciated, connected to my surroundings, surrounded by people who cared about my well-being, and awash in the beauty of all those amazing, joyful, dedicated people. I was truly alive in the best of all ways.

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones

I guess it turns out that I know more of the Being Alive answer than I originally thought, but rather than feeling this was a wasted exercise, it reminds me that nothing about being a human exists in isolation. Like the old song tell us, “the knee bone is connected to the leg bone.”

Next up in my Coming of Age adventure is a question I have played around with several times on this blog. What is the nature of a higher power? I have a lot to say about that so if you like what you’ve read so far, stick around for more fun and games.

If any of this was helpful or if you have your own thoughts, please let me know. I would love for this to be a shared journey.

Thank you for reading.

I hold fingers to lips
to know I am breathing
press hands against chest
to feel the beating of my heart
hold wrist to sense blood flowing
pinch to force nerves to twitch

And yet, I must touch soul to spirit
to know I am alive