Can You Hear Me Now

Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing that life has to give.

Bertrand Russell

This article deals with things of a sexual nature and I use words that may be upsetting to some of my readers. Feel free to stop now if you might fall into that category.

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I have been thinking about the 2012 movie, The Sessions. Have you seen it? It’s an amazing, mostly true story that deals with a polio-stricken man, Mark O’Brien (played by John Hawkes), who seeks a sexual relationship.

The polio rendered Mark incapable of directly controlling any body part below his neck. He could speak. He could use a pointer in his mouth to type and dial a phone. His brain was fully functional, while the rest of his body was unresponsive to his commands.

I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held, caressed, and valued. But my self-hatred and fear were too intense. I doubted I deserved to be loved. My frustrated sexual feelings seemed to be just another curse inflicted upon me by a cruel God. Mark O’Brien

Despite being held captive by his unresponsive body, Mark felt the same emotional and physical longings of a non-paralyzed man. He could not tell his hands to move, but they could feel warmth and touch. He could not physically guide his penis to erection, yet it still got hard and he would involuntarily climax while being bathed.

This was not pleasurable, though. For Mark, his climaxes were shameful and something he loathed. He was a man with a completely functional mind and the same desires as most other men, but trapped in the tomb of a severely paralyzed body.

As a man in my thirties, I still felt embarrassed by my sexuality. It seemed to be utterly without purpose in my life, except to mortify me when I became aroused during bed baths. I would not talk to my attendants about the orgasms I had then, or the profound shame I felt. I imagined they, too, hated me for becoming so excited. Mark O’Brien

Fun fact: Despite his limitations, Mark was able to earn bachelors and masters degrees. He became a successful journalist, poet, co-founder of a publishing company, and advocate for the disabled. He wrote several volumes of poetry including his autobiography, How I Became a Human Being: A Disabled Man’s Quest for Independence. Mark died in 1999 at the age of 49.

Also Sprach Kinsey

Sex is an important part of being human. Whether we share our sexual selves with a partner, or whether we keep it to ourselves, our bodies need love, touch, and sexual release. Contrary to my Puritanical American upbringing, sex is not dirty and something to be ashamed of. It’s a natural part of being human and those who deny their sexual urges will find themselves in all sorts of emotional and psychological messes. Denying healthy sexuality is the breeding ground for addiction.

I cannot help but think of Catholic priests who are expected to live a life of celibacy. When it proves to be impossible for them, their human longings and desires are expressed in unhealthy ways. Too many lives have been damaged and destroyed by the church’s refusal to recognize the need for change.

Kinsey taught us that there are very few sexual norms. What is acceptable to one is revolting to another. What comes easily for some is nearly impossible for others. Each of us has his or her own sets of wants, wishes, needs, and desires. Nothing is out of the ordinary when everything is unique.

A single spark
held against a shard of tinder
coaxed and tended
with breath upon breath

At first a smolder and then a glow
blossoms of red that burst into flame
filling a once darkened room filled with light and motion

The icy chill is driven back into shadow
and a heart once barren
explodes rejoicing

Think of Something Delicious

In order for Mark to fulfill his longing for affirming sexual intimacy, he employs a sex surrogate. The surrogate, Dr. Cheryl Cohen-Greene (played by Helen Hunt), is not a sex worker, but rather a licensed clinician. She is paid for her services, but the payment is for the therapeutic aspects of their encounters and not the sex.

Cheryl: I understand you’re able to have an erection.
Mark: Not by choice.

Cheryl feels compelled to help those that cannot find help elsewhere. She could have said, “I will help him find a prostitute,” but to her that would be destructive, degrading behavior and contrary to the healing she is working towards. The men she accepts as clients need safety, acceptance, respect, and understanding. They also need to feel the joys of sexual intimacy while living in bodies that will not easily permit that.

Her therapy brings her in close physical and uncompromising contact with her patients. She doesn’t simply provide them with pornography while connecting in the most minimal manners. Cheryl is looking to use sex as a way to uplift people in positive and healthy ways rather than simply employ it as a primal tool of pleasure. You might call what she does spiritual, but I don’t believe that Cheryl would use that word. She is a clinical provider and not a spiritual guide.

“People have asked me over the years, ‘How do you work with people who are differently abled?’ I always say, it’s not hard for me. I just have to learn what their special needs are.” Cheryl Cohen-Greene

Was there love between Cheryl and Mark? Yes, but not in the “I love you, Darling” sense. There was love in that she understands his pain and cares for him as a human being. She offers something of herself and in return receives the joy of making a difference in someone’s life. Despite the taboo of their sexual intimacy, she is simply following her call to heal.

The sex was real sex. She stroked Mark. He got hard. He penetrated her vagina. Cheryl moved on him and he climaxed. Yes, it was sex, but it wasn’t bump and grind, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am sex. There was a trust between the two of them. It was clinical, but more than clinical. There was a mutual respect. There was joy and a kindness that didn’t come in the form of pity and Mark had had enough of pity. He needed to be treated as a man and not a freak. Most of all, he needed honest and real connection and Cheryl provided that.

Cheryl: I’m going to rub the tip of your penis around my vulva. And when it’s ready, I’ll guide you in. Breathe slowly and think of something delicious.

A Mind Like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Body

Over time, Cheryl’s kindness and compassion changed Mark. He found the sexual joy he desired, but more importantly, he found respect and dignity. Despite his grave physical disability, he was able to share in one of the most intimate aspects of being human. It’s hard to imagine a greater gift than that.

Mark was eventually able to find a partner and the last five years of his life were spent with Susan Fernbach. It’s impossible to know if that would have been possible without Cheryl’s help.

His sense of humor, his intelligence (I used to say he had a mind like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s body), a kind of patient tenacity. He once said that what most people think of as courage is really an extreme form of patience. Susan Fernbach

Most of us are not dealing with what Mark had to endure, but we are all looking for the same things — respect, acceptance, dignity, and joy. Our approaches may be different and that’s fine. If I learned anything from The Sessions, it’s that our wounds, and how we live with them, are a big part of what makes us amazing and worthy of love. Courage comes in many different colors. You don’t have to live your life in an iron lung to figure that out.

I will end with a poem Mark wrote a few years before his death.

Three Reasons to Live

The Practical
o God, it was boring
but there was nothing else
so I did it
got it out of the way

The Spiritual
we had this deal going
like God gave me life
for a while
I gave him gratitude
for a while and
it worked out ok

The Intellectual
things just kept happening
you know how every day is different?
and I just wanted to see
what would happen next.

Thank you for reading.

When every step is a parallel step
with every dream aligned
when soul folds into soul
like the teeth of a zipper or fingers entwined

When wish precedes action
fulfillment follows desire
when chest pressed to chest
resonates with the sounds of a pounding heart
and momentous breath

Passion unto passion
borders reached
explored
broken wide open
when the inhale of one is the exhale of another

Everything is everything