Can You Hear Me Now

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Preamble: Although much of this article is based on Twelve-Step concepts, everything is applicable to non-recovery. Change is a universal human need no matter where you are coming from or where you going to. Be it family of origin issues, bad habits, rage and anger, trauma, resentments, prejudices, phobias, uncontrollable fears, etc., we are all broken people in one way or another. Broken and if we put in the work, fixable.

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I am not alone when I say I do not like change. Why change something that has been working so well for years and years? Why introduce chaos and complication when it’s easier to keep things exactly as they have been? The devil you know versus the devil you don’t know.

Why? Because the myth of “working so well” is often simply another way of saying “I am too lazy, scared, and/or ignorant to acknowledge that what I have been doing is not what I need.” It’s not comfort. It’s denial and rather than doing the hard work of moving your life to a better place, it’s easier to pretend that change is not only not necessary, it’s wrong.

One, Two, Three

The Third Step of a typical Twelve-Step program reads something like this:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God.

The First Step is all about admitting there is a problem. I am broken. My life has become unmanageable and I don’t want it to stay this way. Who hasn’t felt that way at one time or another?

The Second Step recognizes that something better is possible. I have been living with insanity, but sanity is not out of my reach.

The Third Step is the start of real and lasting change. It’s admitting that what I have been doing hasn’t been working out so well and the solution lies in listening to voices that are not mine. Simply put, it’s getting out of your own way.

For most people, especially those who have been immersed in less than healthy behaviors for a long time, it’s extremely hard relinquishing power. Even if we are not happy with our lives, we fight to hold on to being the one in charge (at least that’s what we believe we are). We say to ourselves, “I don’t need anyone. I can do this all by myself.” Of course, all by myself is usually how we got into our messes in the first place. Not seeking outside help is as illogical as going to the same doctor for the first and second opinion.

A creature of routine, I cling to what I know
to where I’ve been and where I am going
a pair of pants worn to threadbare
a song played to excess
I fill my life with the familiar and the known

Until I cannot
until my grip slips
and all that certainty fades away like the setting sun
when change rises up and shouts in my ear
it’s time to move on

That Decision Thing

As I have said in previous articles, to decide is not to act. However, unless you blindly stumble into something (like tripping over your kid’s skateboard), a conscious decision to act is usually the starting point. “I am going to quit smoking.” “I am going to start budgeting.” “I am going to look for a new job.” None of these is the actual act of changing, though. They are acknowledging that you desperately want something to happen. Sadly, that “something to happen” might start out as doing nothing (after all, old habits are hard to break), but there is no reason why you can’t repeat this step over and over until you get it right. Good things come to those who work for them.

Fun fact. I was recently talking to a friend who told me that due to a major health scare 13 years ago, he made significant changes in his lifestyle. He quit smoking, cut way back on alcohol, and put together a daily exercise routine that led to a sustained weight loss of over 20 pounds. After he said this he paused and added. “I actually decided to quit smoking eight times before it finally took.” Eight decisions, one lasting change.

That God Thing

As a spiritual atheist, I struggled with the word God the first time I encountered the Third Step. It reminded me too much of my dysfunctional religious upbringing and there was no way on earth I was turning anything over to that God. That God was never on my side.

Thankfully, the Third Step doesn’t stop with turning over your will and life. It continues to say “as we understand God.” Some might call this an escape clause, but for me it’s the recognition that there are many paths to the same destination. Folks are free to choose a traditional religious deity if that’s what works for them, but there is nothing wrong with choosing any healthy source of strength, wisdom, and guidance. The only requirement is that your choice (nature, community, love, the universe, etc.) is not you. Remember, you are what got you into trouble and it is going to take something not you to turn the ship around.

In Twelve-Step programs, they call this finding your higher power and I am not going to minimize how difficult it is. Even people who are rock solid in their religious beliefs can find this challenging. Believing in a God is not the same as wanting that same God to be your change element. It’s actually not uncommon to combine a religious God with something else — something more personal. The goal is to find a higher power that is 100% in your court — a voice that is always there, always looking out for your best interests, and is never afraid to tell you the hard and necessary truths. You don’t want a wishy-washy, fair weather friend.

Fun fact: One of my favorite albums is Paul Kantner’s Blows Against the Empire. I played the album as I contemplated what I was going to write and was struck when I heard these words from the song, Starship. It was a very serendipitous moment.

And you gotta let go
You gotta let go
You gotta let go
Or else you stay

That pretty much sums up everything I am attempting to say. Change, or stay where you’ve been stuck. There is no other way.

I can now honestly say that I don’t flinch when I say, hear, or read the word “God.” I have reclaimed it from the vindictive, supernatural, white-robed man of my childhood into something far more relatable and ultimately more powerful. For me, God, or Goddess if you prefer, is simply another way of naming the voice in my head that tells me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. My God can be a leaf on a tree or the common place miracles I encounter in everyday life. It’s the love I feel for the world and the love that comes back to me ten fold when I most need it. It’s service, integrity, and joy — with lots of joy. My higher power is a church without walls, altar, creed, shame, guilt, sacraments, or unhealthy doctrine.

It took me a long time to grasp that the Third Step says turn our will and our lives over “to the care of God” and not “to the control of God.” Rather than your higher power being a task master, this is a relationship based on kindness, respect, and loving guidance. There is no shaming, no spitefulness, and don’t look for lightening bolts hurled down from the sky. None of that fits my definition of care and it has no place in my higher power.

Putting it All Together

You are ready to move on from Step Three when you accept that change is needed and change is not something you can accomplish on your own. “Graduation” means you have set your ego aside, traded arrogance for humility, asked for and welcomed help. Like my friend and his multiple efforts to quit smoking, this may be a rinse and repeat process that occurs over and over again until you finally get it right — with the occasional tune-up to keep everything running smoothly.

Even after all this you still haven’t actually changed your underlying problems. You have, though, laid down a foundation that will support you as you travel the difficult path towards being the kind of person you want to be. There is still a lot more work to do, but like any job, you need the right tools. Step Three is one of those tools — the hammer to get out of your way and embrace the guidance required for everything that comes next.

Truth be told, I still don’t like change. In fact, there are still times when I have to be dragged into it kicking and screaming. However, it is a lot less frightening than it used to be. I credit that to finding my higher power, surrendering to its care, and letting the magic do its work on me.

If you’ve read this far and want to see what comes next, please check out my A Searching and Fearless Inventory for the Masses and Entirely Ready articles. As with this one, I strived to make them relatable to everyone.

One more shameless plug. My Somebody Somewhere article is a nice companion piece to many of the thoughts expressed here. You can also learn about the best streaming show you’ve probably never heard of. You will thank me for that.

So, what are you waiting for? Let go of your ego and see where your own brand of magic will take you.

Thank you for reading.

She in her shape shifting
disguises and masks
in her tricks and her traps
pirouettes and twirls
spinning you around and around
she in her fantasy and illusion

Like the ruse of a summer day in spring
she is the harsh reality of snowfall in April