Can You Hear Me Now

A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality.

Yoko Ono

Excluding some slight poetic license, the following is a true story.

My head must have been a thousand miles away when I was startled out of my thoughts with a loud, “We’re livin’ the dream, Andrew. Livin’ the dream.”

It was Craig. Craig is not someone I would choose to have as a part of my life, but coworkers are like relatives. You don’t have a choice in the matter. I am not sure how long he was standing behind me, but by the look of that silly grin on his face, it had been a while.

“I am not sure what dream you are living, Craig, but mine seems more like a nightmare.”

“That’s because you don’t know the secret of not giving a damn. Look at me. I get up, come to work, put in my time, and when 5:00 rolls around I am out that door faster than a teenage boy getting it on in the backseat of Daddy’s car. It’s all a make believe, Buddy. You pretend you actually give a shit to people who are pretending that they give a shit. It’s the great circle of corporate life.”

“That’s pretty profound, Craig.”

“You bet your ass it’s profound and it’s about time you figured it out.

“Well, when I need to hire a private tutor I know where to look.”

Craig paused for a moment, smiled, and then winked. He turned and headed back to his desk, but he must not have gone more than ten feet when I heard him yell back, “Livin’ the dream, Andrew. Livin’ the dream.”

I can’t say exactly when this occurred, but a rough guess puts it around 18 years ago. I was working at Nortel as a sales engineer after nearly two decades of software design. I needed a break from programming and since my previous software development group disbanded, a more customer facing role sounded intriguing. Spoiler alert, it was until it wasn’t.

More importantly than when and where, I have now come to realize that Craig was right. Not the part about not giving a damn. More about the fact that he was “livin’ the dream.”

In his own way, Craig was practicing mindfulness. A warped and perhaps a little misguided mindfulness, but mindfulness nonetheless. He was living in the moment and for him, that moment was good. In fact, it was more than good. He was exactly where he felt he needed to be at the exact right time. He wasn’t asking for more or less. He was simply being and that was enough.

I wasn’t even close to being. The spirit that was me was scattered across space and time. I was riding a unicycle, balanced on a ball, poised on an elephant’s back, while spinning plates and juggling knives. I was trying to reframe the past into something it wasn’t while course correcting a future I had no control over. I was everywhere but the here and now.

Of course, you can’t keep that act up forever and one day it all came tumbling down.

One false move to the left
one false move to the right
a single step or an ill placed word
and a tenuous world comes crashing down

Walking on thin ice
cautiously
carefully
ever sensing the danger that lies ahead and below

The Song of the Siren

Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, through a gentle, nurturing lens.

In other words, it’s stopping to smell the roses and allowing time to let the roses smell you.

Unfortunately, we live in a world that makes mindfulness very challenging. Our mobile devices constantly beg for our attention. There is always something we need to look at, respond to, or scroll through. As an American, I know all too well the expectations of jobs that insist on working long hours and giving 110%. Even voices of reason like Brené Brown joke about binge watching streaming shows — something I am not unfamiliar with.

Where is the room for mindfulness in all that noise?

My life is still more chaotic than I would like, but I am learning to slow down and let go. Rather than constantly planning what I must say next, I am listening. I am a giver and yet I am learning to find self-worth from standing aside and let others step in. I am putting myself out in the world and asking for little in return. I am finding time for doing absolutely nothing. None of this is easy for me, but I am appreciating the roses more than I ever did. I am finally finding my frequency and I like the way it sounds.

If you were to ask me what my dreams were 20 or 30 years ago they would have been filled with all kinds of crazy impossibilities. Not impossibilities because I was asking for too much. I get that I have been very fortunate and have led a blessed life when it came to what could be described as the American dream. I am privileged and do not take that for granted.

My impossibilities have to do with the fact that my dreams were not grounded in any sense of healthy reality. I was Ulysses lost in the song of the Sirens as I recklessly steered my ship towards the rocks. I was willing to sacrifice craft and crew for my own selfish desires.

There are no knots strong enough
no ropes that can hold me captive
there is no reason that can sway me to turn this ship around

For even when my eyes are bound
and my ears are stuffed tightly
the Siren’s voice rises above all the noise and clutter that calls itself life
and once again I am a prisoner to the songs
that will dash me against the rocks

These days, I ask for so much less and yet receive a whole lot more. I know that my expectations have changed, but it’s more than that. It’s finding joy in a simpler, less complicated life. It’s looking at the world with wider, and I would like to think, wiser eyes.

The Dream of Life

Despite the mistakes I made today and the mistakes I know I will make tomorrow. Despite the number of times I will let people down and be let down. Despite how I will feel abandoned and ignored. Despite the messiness of life, I realize now that I am living the dream.

But unlike my coworker Craig, I am giving a damn — for my family, my friends, my community, my world, and me. They have all become precious to me and sit in a place far above all my worldly desires.

Rising from the chaos and pain
from the anger and hurt
like a cancer in remission
a man in rebirth

This is the chance I never expected
this is the start of a life refreshed and renewed

I practice daily gratitude and Act as If. I lean into humility and surround myself with good and caring people — people who have my back and are not afraid to tell me so. I’ve stopped trying to be all things to all people. I don’t have to do it all.

Most of all, I listen. To the world around me. To the sound of my breath. To my heartbeat. To the quiet voice that whispers, “Be still and know peace.” In this moment, I am all that I need to be.

This is the dream and this is a life worth living. I hope that you, dear readers, are living your own dreams.

Thank you for reading.

After legs falter and refuse to move
I will run in my dreams
after ears go silent and my eyes grow dark and dim
I will find the way with my heart
after voice gets lost between thought and lips
I will sing with my soul

After
before and during
a promise is made and a promise is acknowledged

On this the sixty seventh year
of my sixty eighth summer
with infinite thanks and gratitude for being alive