Can You Hear Me Now

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.

Hippocrates

Every Wednesday, I gather with a group of similarly aged men to catch up on our lives and talk about whatever it is that crosses our minds. While we sometimes drift into politics and how messed up the world has become, we work to keep our conversations on a more personal level. This includes the lighter topics of grandchildren, travel, books, and our favorite streaming shows. We also tackle subjects that require a deeper honesty and greater vulnerability. Last week was one of those days when we discussed acceptance, forgiveness, and healing.

Oddly enough, it was only two weeks ago in Sorry Not Sorry when I wrote that I need to tackle forgiveness. Clearly, the universe is giving me a nudge in that direction.

Our discussion began with one of the men expressing how he had found healing after a difficult relationship breakup. He was then asked, “What does healing look like to you,” and we were off to the races.

I find it difficult to think about healing without also thinking about acceptance and forgiveness. Not only are they tightly connected, they follow a linear path. Acceptance leads to forgiveness which then opens up the possibility of healing. You will not find true peace from a hurt unless you follow this path.

Trinity

For this article, I will be using this definition of acceptance:

Acceptance is a person’s view of the reality of a negative or uncomfortable situation without attempting to change it.

For example, I don’t have a particularly long fingers. For most things in life, this isn’t a big deal. I have a strong grip and my finger length is more than adequate for day-to-day living. However, I am an amateur guitar and banjo player and shorter fingers are a definite disadvantage. I struggle with complex chords and cannot make the long stretches that finger-gifted players can. Sadly, there is no operation, diet, or exercise that will change this. Over time, though, I have come to accept my situation and enjoy music making without constantly fretting (pardon the pun) over my so-called deficiency.

We live in a world that for the most part we cannot control. We won’t get every job we apply for. We won’t win every argument no matter how “right” we are. We will love people who will disappoint and hurt us. Learning to accept disappointment, sorrow, and pain is essential to staying sane in a sometimes insane world.

There is an ancient Buddhist story about an old farmer who has worked his crops for many years. One day his horse runs away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors come to visit. “Such bad luck,” they say sympathetically.

“We’ll see,” the farmer replies.

The next morning the horse returns, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaim.

“We’ll see,” replies the old man.

The following day, his son tries to ride one of the untamed horses, is thrown, and breaks his leg. The neighbors tell the farmer that this is a tragedy.

“We’ll see,” answers the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they pass him by. The neighbors congratulate the farmer on how well things have turned out.

“We’ll see,” says the farmer.

When it comes to relationships, acceptance is acknowledging that we are human and humans are forever making mistakes. Acceptance doesn’t mean we are happy with whatever befell us. It’s allowing ourselves to be hurt, express anger, cry, and be disappointed before settling into the realization that we cannot undo what has occurred. Sadly, there are no time machines and there are no spells to wipe memories clean. We live with whatever is thrown at us and a lot of that is crap.

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as the conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance towards the person or group that harmed us, regardless of whether they actually deserve our forgiveness.

That last part is very important and can often be extremely difficult. It doesn’t matter if the other party remains unrepentant before forgiveness can occur. Forgiveness has more to do with us than them. We have no control over another’s behavior, attitude, or willingness to change. The only control we have is our response to their actions.

One Two Three

Acceptance is acknowledging pain. You hurt me. I am angry. I hate you. I never want to see your again. Why am I with you?

Forgiveness is allowing pain to dissipate. I was hurt and although I cannot rewind the clock to prevent it from happening, I give myself permission to move beyond the pain. It’s no longer the debilitating weight that holds me in place. I may not like you right now, but I still feel love, if only for myself.

There are days when all that matters
is knowing there will be light at the start of a new tomorrow
or a gentle, tender touch as the day draws to a close
days when moonlight upon your face is more than enough to make life seem worthwhile

And then there are days when all you ask for is forgiveness
for not doing enough in the too short time we have been given

Forgiveness isn’t healing, but it’s a necessary step in the journey towards healing. Healing requires apologies, amends, power shifts, personal growth, time (sometimes measured in years), and/or whatever else it takes to allow forgiveness to cement its work.

Healing requires the harmed person to change, but it does not require the same from the one or ones doing the harm. We can heal wounds from people who refuse to change as long as we disengage ourselves from the harm. This disengagement may come in the form of well-defined and well-enforced boundaries. It may also require a complete and total separation. Healing does not mean that I need to maintain any kind of relationship with the person I have forgiven.

I can heal from the wounds inflicted by my father and yet still maintain a relationship with him as long as I create boundaries that prevent the hurt from happening again. I expect that a lot of people handle dysfunctional family dynamics like this.

Similarly, I can heal by never seeing a toxic person again. In this case, the boundary I set is both emotional and physical.

Having both parties change is the gold standard of healing. I hurt you. I own the damage I’ve done. I am taking steps to make sure it never happens again. I am making reparations. I am working hard to demonstrate that I can be trusted.

It is important to know that to accept, forgive, and heal is not to forget. I have healed from wounds I will never forget — nor do I want to forget them. Knowing that forgiveness is possible is never an excuse for bad or repeated behaviors. The goal of healing is to regain sanity after sanity has been shattered. It’s not to live in a world of denial.

See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me

I expect that I captured only a small portion of our Wednesday Men’s Group conversation. This is such a complicated and nuanced subject and my mere 1400-plus words only scratches the surface. I am painfully aware of my limitations as a writer when it comes expressing my beliefs and inner workings.

Still, it’s good for me to put my thoughts into writing. This takes them from one part of my brain and moves them into more illuminating lighting. This is one of those cases.

Note: Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Healing are also applicable to the harms we inflict upon ourselves. Trust me, I can hurt myself far more effectively than anyone I know. It’s essential that we heal all wounds, regardless of where they originated, in the same manner. That is where lasting transformation and spiritual growth occurs.

Thank you for reading.

The Reasons Why I Cut My Finger

Because I am careless and don’t pay attention
I attempt too much with too little
because I push too hard
because I put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time
because of my past failures and the pain left unforgiven
because I am cavalier, indulgent, and thoughtless
because I fail to live up to my standards
because I get angry and pout
because I am vain and self-serving
because I don’t finish what I start and don’t start what I know I must
because I am lazy, secretive, sloppy, selfish, and enabling
because I don’t say “No”

Or simply
just because