Can You Hear Me Now

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Bob Hope

Last week I had another one of those birthday things. It wasn’t one that ends in zero, so it didn’t have the gravitas of a big transition. Still, I am of the belief that even these lesser-milestone birthdays are special and worth acknowledging. They ask me to contemplate where I am, what I’ve accomplished over the past 12 months, and what I am looking forward to in the next.

Looking Back

This was my first full year of retirement. Thankfully, all my fears of feeling unmoored proved to be completely unfounded. Not only are most days filled with worthwhile activities, I believe that I have grown as a person. I have more friends now than I’ve had since my college days, my volunteer jobs bring me joy and self-worth, I have enough time to stay physically active, and I still take the time to push my brain in challenging ways. There are days when I am forced to wake up very early in the morning to fit in everything I hope to accomplish. To me, that’s the sign of a rich and engaged life.

I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating that I am at the age where too many friends, relatives, and family are dying. The trend started a few birthdays ago and it has now become a regular occurrence.

My 98-year-old mother passed away in May. This was the first birthday when I did not call to thank her for making me possible.

As hard as it was to say goodbye, Mom was ready to go. The last several months were difficult and her body finally reached the point where it was no longer able to go on. I am thankful that we had a few good conversations before she finally let go. My favorite was her reminiscing about seeing Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass at the Celebrity Theater. Mom’s love of music runs deep in me, her third-born son.

In addition to Mom, two friends died unexpectedly this past year — Lisa from a fairly quick and quite severe cancer and John from an operation that went awry. All deaths are hard on those of us left behind, but Lisa’s was especially tragic. She left behind a 13-year-old son who will desperately need his mother as he grows into adulthood. It’s up to those still here to help fill the gap, but no one can ever replace a mom.

Along with the deaths, I know far too many people who are struggling with very challenging health issues. I won’t go into each person, but there is one I want to highlight.

Two or so years ago a longtime friend was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and throughout the past year the disease has accelerated its devastating pace. I will call him J. Distance prevents me seeing J as often as I would like, but I recently spent time with him and although we had some normal-ish conversations, it was clear that our friendship will never be what it once was. J becomes easily confused, forgets names and events, and makes up things that never happened.

I did, however, have a recent opportunity to spend a very special evening with him. I took J to see the Tofte Fourth of July fireworks off the rocky shoreline of Lake Superior and was blessed to be able to hold his hand and guide him as we navigated the dark, people, and challenging landscape. It was an intimate moment that I never expected to have with this once very virile man. All through the evening I told myself that this may never happen again.

A spark and a flicker
like simple words spoken in kindness
or the press of hands in times of healing

Catching
spreading
blazing

A flame fueled with breath and laughter
warming the flesh and driving back the darkness
this is a fire that will not be extinguished

My three grandchildren have grown so much since my last birthday. I love being their Boppa and I am so thankful that they all live so close to Linda and me. I know too many people whose grandchildren are far away and a visit requires a plane ticket and a significant investment of time. I am no more than a bike ride away from all three of mine.

If all goes according to plan, I will soon my sharing my birthday month with a new grandchild. My second grandson will be arriving sometime in the next couple of weeks and I could not be happier. Being a grandfather is like being a dad with only a fraction of the responsibilities and ten times the fun.

Take note, independent of any particular astrological sign, I do like feeling adored. 🙂

This past year I immersed myself in volunteer opportunities. I get so much joy cooking at my church and working with AARP on fraud prevention. There is no way I could have done this at an earlier age when most of my time was taken up by working and parenting. Giving back has become essential to my wellbeing.

Fun fact. Since 1999, AARP no longer stands for the American Association of Retired Persons. While there is certainly an emphasis on us older folks, its purpose is to advocate for important issues that effect everyone regardless of age or working status.

I took Irish banjo lessons over the fall and winter months and although my playing has gotten a lot better since last July, most of that has to do with me and less with the teacher. I like my teacher on a personal level and he is a fine musician, but his teaching skills leave a lot to be desired. Sadly, he is the only Irish banjo teacher I have been able to find in the Twin Cities. So, unless someone else magically appears, I will keep pushing forward on my own.

The last election was a blow to the gut, but I did my grieving and quickly got back into the fight. I am not one to roll over and give up. There is hope and there is work, and neither one is in short supply.

Resilience is really a secular word for what religion was trying to say with the word faith. Richard Rohr

Looking Forward

It’s difficult to know what changes are hovering below the horizon. I expect that I will continue doing most everything I have been doing while perhaps giving more emphasis to some activities and a little less to others. I don’t anticipate giving up the core aspects of my life — family, relationships, movement, giving, writing, and music.

One of the biggest personal changes I hope to see is a deepening of my spiritual commitment. You might think that odd since I am an atheist, but there are so many paths that don’t require belief in a supernatural being. This past year was a good one for digging deeper, and the more I uncover the more there is to explore. This continues to be a gratifying process.

After that, it’s all about working on my long list of character shortcomings — impatient, loud, fearful of change, afraid of rejection, etc. While I may not find myself completely free of any of them on next year’s birthday, all forward movement is gladly welcomed. Life is a journey and I am thankful to be along for the ride.

Thank you for reading.

If I were a day to be lived every day
of every week of every year
I would be a birthday
lighting my way with birthday candles
and stuffing my face with birthday cake

My song would be the song of life
ever thankful for another day
my gift would be the gift of love
to all the world around me

If I were a day and my wishes could be granted
I would be a birthday
and today, tomorrow, and every day forward would be a party