Can You Hear Me Now

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.

Joan Lunden

Newcomers to a twelve step group, any twelve step group, will be surprised by many things. Right off the bat they will be shocked to find that its members come from all walks of life. They aren’t all hopeless derelicts. They are parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, white collar, blue collar, students, ministers, able bodied, disabled, gay, straight, non-binary, trans, conservatives, progressives, introverts, extroverts, rich, poor, and everything in-between. They are people who look like you, me, and everyone else.

Next, even though the word God can be found throughout the literature, twelve step groups are not religious. While the programs are spiritually based, attendees are free to choose any form of “higher power” that suits their needs. The atheist has as much of a seat at the table as the deeply pious.

An oft repeated twelve step saying states that “you can have any higher power you want as long as it isn’t you.”

Finally, a healthy twelve step group is filled with laughter. To many first-timers this may come as a shock. Aren’t these people supposed to be engulfed in shame and remorse over their addiction? How is it possible to laugh after all the harm they’ve brought to themselves and others? Wouldn’t crying and self berating be a more expected reaction?

While tears are certainly an appropriate response to what someone might say, hear, or at times feel, laughter is also essential to lasting recovery. Rather than ignoring or making light of the gravity of addiction, laughter allows the addict to step back from anger, anxiety, shame, and depression and see difficult issues in a fresh light. Laughter opens up the heart and mind to new possibilities and welcomes opportunities to change.

A smile for no apparent reason
or a thought that rises up and gracefully lingers
before settling back into place
words that come to the tongue
held silent and sacred
laughter without embarrassment or shame

This is the arc of a day in constant contemplation
these are the reasons that keep this love alive

According to Dr. Neel Burton in and article in Psychology Today, there are seven reasons for laughing:

1. To feel better about ourselves
2. To relieve stress and anxiety
3. To keep it real
4. As a social service
5. To put others at ease
6. For diplomacy
7. To transcend ourselves

While each reason has a place in recovery, numbers 1, 5, and 7 stand out as the most transformational.

To Feel Better About Ourselves

Most addicts who willingly begin a recovery program have an extremely low sense of self-worth. They have reached their bottoms and although they desire change, they do not feel worthy of change. This typically isn’t their first attempt at sobriety and most addicts feel doomed to repeat the same destructive patterns over and over again.

Laughter helps break through the blanket of pain and despondency addicts have wrapped themselves in and allows them to see glimpses of a life beyond their addictive behaviors. If you can laugh at yourself and laugh with others, you begin to see yourself not as just an addict, but as a human being who happens to suffer from an addiction.

Laughter puts distance between the addict and the addiction without denying that the addiction is there.

To Put Others at Ease

Nobody grows up saying to themselves, “I hope that one day I can join a twelve step group.” They are seen as places of desperation and people are ashamed to find themselves sitting in a room filled with people who suffer from their same shortcomings.

Laugher helps people feel welcome. Addiction thrives on isolation and laughing together creates bonds of love, respect, and trust. If you can laugh with someone, you are more willing to let down your guard and be vulnerable with them.

To Transcend Ourselves

This may be the most important use of laugher. As Dr. Burton writes in his article:

“Zen masters teach that it is much easier to laugh at ourselves once we have transcended our ego. At the highest level, laughter is the sound of the shattering of the ego. It is a means of gaining (and revealing) perspective, of rising beyond ourselves and our little, limited lives, of achieving a kind of immortality, a kind of divinity.”

The most basic meaning of the word ego is the “I” that is capable of referencing the self and making decisions. Ego is the way humans represent themselves to the world.

For an addict, a broken ego is what keeps him or her stuck in addiction. It leads to struggles with denial, a sense of belonging, self-image, and control. Most importantly, the damaged ego begs to be self-medicated.

The broken ego tells the owner I am not worthy of love. I will never change. Nobody cares about me. Nothing matters anymore. I am better off alone.

Shattering the ego with laughter allows the addict to rewire the brain with new and healthy paths. It leads broken people towards humility and a healthy self awareness.

The healthy ego says I can love and be loved. I have value. I am needed. I can change.

Fun fact: I did a quick Internet search and found well over 40 twelve step programs. Groups range from chemical addiction to overcoming racism. It’s not uncommon for someone to attend multiple different meeting types — e.g. the alcoholic who is also a compulsive gambler. Sadly, we are a broken species and prone to excess and numbing.

Laughter Really is the Best Medication

Laughter truly is strong medication. It draws people together. It lightens moods and inspires hope. It diminishes pain and stress. It strengthens the immune system. It makes us smile when all we want to do is cry.

Show me a church, family, place of business, etc. that can laugh together and I will show you a healthy community of people.

Laughter is also free. There is no admission price and there are no ongoing fees. Laughter allows us to see that the world isn’t out to get us, that we aren’t the monsters we think ourselves to be, and that we are not alone.

Best of all, it’s addictive in the most positive and healing ways ever. Laughter is the universal language of joy and joy is the key to lasting transformation.

I threw away my candy bar and I ate the wrapper. And when they told me what I did I burst into laughter — Van Dyke Parks

But Wait, There’s More

If you found this missive interesting, you may want to check out similar articles I’ve posted here on Can You Hear Me Now.

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Sought Through Prayer and Medication: Help, Thanks, and Wow

A Searching and Fearless Inventory for the Masses

Thank you for reading.

Without fear or hesitation
fighting for all you deserve and one tiny bit more
it’s the laugh that rises up from deep within
the light shining brighter than ever before

It’s a bigger bang
a longer reach into the infinite unknown
feeling unhinged while feeling right

Finally
justly
enormously