Can You Hear Me Now

I have to be composed; I have to be poised. I have to remember what my first piano teacher told me: ‘You do not touch that piano until you are ready and until they are ready to listen to you.

Nina Simone

It has been a few months since I wrote A Fearless and Moral Inventory for the Masses and felt it was time I addressed what comes next. After you’ve dug deep into your fears, resentments, and character flaws, it’s time to do something about them. In a traditional 12-Step program, the process involves sharing your inventory with your higher power and another human being, becoming entirely ready to rid yourself of your shortcomings, and finally ask that they be removed.

Today I want to write about becoming entirely ready.

Looking Back

I’ve had quite a few major life events over the past 50ish years of adulthood. After high school, I chose to attend Arizona State University where I graduated with a computer science degree. Linda and I were married shortly after I turned 23. I had the first of my three sons at the age of 25. I began winding down my career at the age of 65 and officially retired at 66.

While each of these milestones is different from the other, there is one thing they all have in common. I wasn’t entirely ready to do any of them.

Was I entirely ready to start college? Not at all. I had moved out of my childhood home, was scraping by on low-paying restaurant jobs, and was scared that I wasn’t smart enough.

Was I entirely ready to get married at such a young age? Absolutely not. Linda and I were practically kids in 1981 and even though we managed to stay married all these years, it’s staggering how innocent and ignorant we were when we first started out.

Speaking of kids, I was less prepared to be a father than I was for being a husband. Thankfully, despite having me as dad their dad, my three boys grew into amazing men with families of their own.

The same lack of readiness can be said for my retirement. Although I had a hazy notion of life after decades of employment, I lacked good role models to show me the way. I was as unprepared as I was excited.

Entirely ready or not, though, I did them all.

All These Defects of Character

Step 6 reads:

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

At the risk of oversharing, here is my Step 4 inventory of character defects. I’ve added to it over time (I actually came up with a new one today), but nothing is ever truly removed. I will always be an amalgamation of everything I’ve ever experienced.

In no particular order, I can be:

• Confrontation avoidant
• A perfectionist
• Secretive
• Impatient
• Afraid of looking foolish
• Overly self-reliant and overconfident
• Controlling
• Cheap
• Stubborn
• Selfish
• Disrespectful when challenged
• Boastful
• Lacking in empathy
• Unwilling to ask for help
• Manipulative
• Dishonest
• An attention seeker
• Afraid to face my emotions
• Narcissistic
• Afraid of being wrong
• Insecure and feeling sorry for myself
• Self-deprecating
• Stuck in my ways
• Loud and boisterous
• Petty
• Afraid of aging
• Fearful of change
• Afraid of rejection

It can be argued that some of these should be combined to create a shorter list, but I prefer to err on the side of verbosity in order to create a more complete view. Even if I do cross off a few, it’s still a lengthy list. The thought of even being partially ready let alone entirely ready for any of them is quite the undertaking.

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One bite at a time.

I strongly believe that most, if not all, of my negative traits began as some form of coping mechanism. I am fearful of change because I am afraid to admit that I don’t know what I am doing. I am confrontation avoidant because I need to be loved by everyone. I am secretive because I don’t want to explain or be held responsible for my actions. I am afraid to ask for help because I am afraid of being seen as weak or needy. I can thank my dad for that one.

Rather than tackling the underlying issues, it’s much easier to fall back on behaviors I learned as a child and reinforced over most of my adult years. My character defects became the bodyguards that presumably protected me from a big bad scary world.

That’s where Step 6 comes in. Becoming ready, entirely or not, is the realization that what may have seemed to work in the past is no longer a viable option. In other words, when as a child I thought as a child.

Step 6 is all about becoming willing to think as an adult and do something real and lasting about the baggage that keeps us stuck in very unhealthy places.

Willingness is what allows me take the first bite of my many elephants. I bite, I chew, I swallow. I then will myself to do it all over again. This repeats until I’ve replaced one of my coping mechanisms (my elephants) with something far more healthy and affirming.

I have written extensively about my relationship with God here and here, so I will keep this next part short.

Left to myself, I would be happy to wallow in my shortcomings and did so for a long time. Tackling even the smallest defect requires the assistance of a force outside of me. Some call their force God. Others call it their Higher Power. In my case, I lean heavily on my friends, support groups, family, mentors, and the belief that I am not the center of the universe and that universe wants me to be the best that I can be. I allow love to be my north star and truth my unerring compass.

Change comes when it’s least expected
or perhaps when it’s needed most
without forecast or warning
life as it has always been
until the moment it’s not

With a flash of light or a quiet exhale
the mountain is scaled
the clouds open up
and a new path opens before you

If You Build It

Now, instead of being reticent to ask for help, I welcome the connection that comes from inviting others into my life. Rather than being afraid to face my emotions, I rejoice in the human kaleidoscope of feelings. Heck, I have even learned how to tear up.

Our character defects create walls that ultimately lead to isolation. Becoming entirely ready is a sledgehammer to break free of our self-imposed restrictions. Every new hole lets in the light that allows us to see more clearly the world beyond today.

I do not want to imply that any of this is a piece of cake. Have you ever bitten into an elephant? Ignoring the fact that the elephant does not want to be eaten, it has a tough, leathery hide that requires a hard bite and a lot of arduous chewing.

The same can be said about our shortcomings. Some will fight like hell to stick around — a large number of mine are like that. If my experience counts for anything, the harder it is to dislodge a trait, the more important it is to rid yourself of it. If you want magic in your life you need to be willing to sparkle.

To be clear, I have a lot of work to do on my list. 60-plus years of character molding cannot be undone overnight. Some days are better than others, but the direction is generally forward and my commitment to change is unwavering. I know what I want and I am willing to pursue it.

Above and Beyond

Was Neil Armstrong entirely ready to step out of the Apollo lunar module? Was Rosa Parks entirely ready to take a seat at the front of the bus? Was “Tank Man” entirely ready to stand in Tiananmen Square and face the wrath of the Chinese government?

I expect not.

Even though my life’s challenges pale when compared to such acts of bravery, none of us are alone when it comes to taking that next big step. We all have our elephants and need to get busy chewing them down to a manageable size. Entirely ready or not.

Your Turn

Have you explored the character traits that no longer serve you? Have you looked into the underlying reasons why you still cling to them? Are you open to looking for ways to fill the holes left by their absence?

It all starts with willingness. Are you at least ready for that?

Thank you for reading.

It’s not a question of right or wrong
good or bad
it’s not a cause in search of a reason
or an action rising from an effect

It’s breaking the egg, leaving the nest
an expression of defiant conformity
like the growing of hair or the raising of a hem
connections that even I can make

It’s a difference, it’s a change
it’s an “I’ll think about this later”
becoming taking action today

It is as it is until it is no more
these tattooed boys and tattooed girls