Can You Hear Me Now

Letting go helps us to to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.

Melody Beattie

In 1964, as an 8th grade graduation present, my oldest brother, Richard, was given a Motorola tabletop AM/FM radio. I shared a bedroom with him and my next oldest brother, Bob, and can attest to the fact that other than while we were sleeping, that radio was always on. KRIZ and KRUX were the top 40 radio stations in the Phoenix valley and we were a KRUX family. So, despite the fact that I was only six years old in 1964, Richard’s radio allowed me to experience the 1960’s as a teenager. Whether it was the British invasion or the rise of psychedelic music, I was there and soaked it all in.

While I have quite few favorite bands from those years (The Jefferson Airplane, The Grateful Dead, The Beatles, The Mothers of Invention, etc.), The Beach Boys remain high on my list. I fell in love with Brian Wilson’s songs and arrangements early on and stuck with the band as they progressed from surf music to their far more sophisticated sounds of the late 60s and early 70s.

Every Beach Boys fan knows of their infamous unreleased 1967 album, Smile. Smile was destined to be the follow-up to their groundbreaking Pet Sounds, but Brian shelved the album before it was completed.

Smile’s demise was a blow that the band struggled to overcome. Practically overnight, they went from the top of the charts to nearly irrelevant to the record buying public — except to me, of course.

Many years later, Smile’s mostly unfinished tracks finally became available and the world was able to experience what it was and what it could have been. It has been argued that it was too far ahead of its time and would have been a commercial failure, and although that may be true, it still stands as a milestone in popular music. The songs are challenging, artistic, beautiful, sensitive, quirky, and at times, breathtaking. Brian Wilson was a true musical genius.

There are many reasons why Smile was shelved, but in the end they all boil down to Brian Wilson saying “no.” He was overwhelmed by pressures from the band and record company, insecurity, paranoia, mental illness, and a steady stream of drugs. He threw up his hands and walked away from months of hard work and countless hours of recordings. He knew the problems his quitting would cause, but he realized that finishing the album had become an impossible task. He reached the end of the line and the only way off the speeding train was to jump.

Over and Over the Crow Flies Uncover the Cornfield

As much as I love to imagine a world where Smile was finished and released on time, I have grown to respect Brian for saying “no.” Perhaps that’s because I struggle with doing the same in my life. I take on more than I can shoulder and all too often mine is the first and only hand that shoots up when something “needs” to get done. I fail at allowing others to step in and at letting truly unnecessary things go undone.

I think back on all the times I made the mistake of saying “yes” and wonder how life (mine and the lives of others) would have changed for the better if I held my tongue. There were tasks I should let others take on, toxic people I should have walked away from, behaviors and habits I should have let go, money I should not have spent or given, important tasks that were set aside for less pressing issues, jobs I needed to leave. The list is endless.

Case in point: I do volunteer cooking at my church and last Friday the chef asked me to call her. As soon as she answered the phone and said “hello,” I responded with “Yes.” At that point I had no idea what she wanted of me, but I knew that if I wasn’t already committed, I was going to do it.

In this case, an extra cooking shift isn’t a negative. The point is that my default is to always be the guy who takes that one step forward while the rest of the crew holds their place in line.

Canvass the Town and Brush the Backdrop

As Ms. Beattie says in the article’s lead-off quote, letting go can be a freeing experience. For most of my adult life, that was not my case and the too few times I did say “no” led me to guilt and the unhealthy desire to “make things right.” In turn, that turned to feelings of superiority and resentment.

Fun fact: The feeling of resentment is closely aligned with jealousy and envy. When I resent someone for not doing a job I wind up doing, I am actually jealous of their ability to say “no.” My spiteful brain thinks I am better than they are for saying “yes,” while wishing I was brave enough to stand back and not feel guilty about it.

There are many reasons why people have trouble saying “no” and to one degree or another, I suffer from them all.

• Conflict avoidance
• The fear of disappointing people
• The need to feel important
• The desire to feel wanted and loved
• An inflated level of empathy
• The need to control every situation
• Being a nurturer and people pleaser
• A lack of self confidence

I know I am not alone in this. How many of these behaviors can you identify with? Are you conflict avoidant or fixated on having everyone love you (two of my most glaring foibles)? How have these negative traits taken you to unhealthy or unproductive places in your career or personal life?

I am slowly learning to recognize these destructive behaviors and realize how and when they are framing my decisions. I am teaching myself to not feel shame when I say “no” and to not accept responsibility for someone else’s reaction. I have a hard enough time owning my own emotions let alone those of another.

I cannot be all things to all people if I will not be honest with myself and honesty begins with setting strong and expressed boundaries. I am trying to say “yes” when it’s the right thing and “no” when I realize it’s too much for me to deal with. In other words, I want to be like Brian Wilson without the drugs and schizophrenia.

Am I there yet? Absolutely not. As with all things in life, I prove to be a work in progress. Change is hard *and* change is necessary.

Thank you for reading.

There are no regrets
there are no tears goodbye
no looking back at what we were
and what we were not
at what we were never destined to be

There is no anger and there is no shame
for you are caught up in your current
as I am caught up in mine

Two souls drifting
once in a place
once at a time
neither one right nor wrong

We are simply floating in opposite directions