Can You Hear Me Now

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other.

Abraham Lincoln

I was recently in a conversation with a friend who spoke of his struggles at work. He questioned his effectiveness and whether or not he was making a positive difference with his clients and coworkers. After listening for a while, I asked him this very simple question, “Tell me what success looks like.”

In a heartbeat, the conversation was completely turned on its head. My friend went from enumerating everything that was going wrong at work to describing his ideal day. Once that occurred, we were able to map out a plan that took him from a place of powerlessness to a world of tremendous possibilities.

This got me to thinking about all the places in my life where I am coming up short. Whether it was in being a friend, husband, father, grandfather, or neighbor, I can think of numerous ways I am not fully acting the part of the man I want to be.

I then asked myself, “what does success look like for each of these situations.” Like my friend’s work concerns, answering the question became the first step in a journey that took me from inadequate and confused to feeling empowered to make positive changes.

Of course, real and lasting change requires work and a plan is not a destination. Visualizing what I want is important, but that’s only the beginning. Once success is defined, I need to look at the patterns, mindsets, emotional landmines, and habits that keep me from moving forward. It’s often two steps forward one step back after that, but any progress is good progress.

Here is an old recovery joke: Three frogs sat on a log and one decided to jump. How many were left? The answer is three. To decide is not to act.

For Example

Let’s take a look at “being a good husband.” I met Linda at the age of 19 and we were married shortly after my 23rd birthday. Was that too young and too quick? Perhaps, but we’ve managed to stay together all these years and have no plans or intentions to separate.

Still, even after 43 years of marriage, there are plenty of things we don’t get right. Speaking for myself, I can be petty, secretive, selfish, inconsiderate, bossy, and forgetful. I have good intentions, but sometimes lack the follow-through. Change can be (is) difficult and all too often I act like a kid who puts his hand into a flame again and again in order to convince himself that it burns.

That kind of thinking will never get me to where I want our marriage to be, though. Instead of focusing on my lovability shortcomings, how do I define marital success? Here is my big-ticket list:

• A partnership of equals
• Mutual respect and kindness
• Shared goals
• A willingness to fight for our relationship
• Two people who cannot envision a life without the other
• A safe place to be ourselves without judgement or shame
• A lifelong attraction and appreciation for the other
• Two people that can rely on one another during the inevitable hard times
• A willingness to work through uncomfortable moments
• A graceful balance between the couple and the individual
• Laughter, fun, playfulness, exploration, and a sense of wonder

Like Michelangelo standing before a block of marble, the job is to now chip away everything that doesn’t look like David. A partnership of equals has no place for my bossiness. Chip it away. Mutual respect and being inconsiderate don’t work well together. Get rid of that, too. At a minimum, I need to be quicker about recognizing when my character flaws rear their ugly heads and don’t let them get in the way of success.

I am convinced that with time and effort, even my worst personality traits can be molded into something positive. Stubbornness can evolve into tenacity. The trick is being aware of what my negative traits are, how they show up, and how they hold me back.

To explore this topic further, take a look at my article A Searching and Fearless Inventory for the Masses.

Without words or movement
without sight and touch
I am lost in prayer
a muted mantra blissful and deep

Searching for illumination
in a silent, expansive way

The Possibilities Are Endless

Beyond marriage, there are many ways of defining success in my life. Last week I wrote about lifelong learning and how I have been applying that in retirement. Isn’t that a form of visualizing success? The same goes for what I wrote about in creating a To Be list.

Parenting. Retirement. Volunteering. Spiritual growth. Personal projects. Selfcare. Music. Community activism. I don’t have to look very far to uncover yet another opportunity to ask myself what reasonable and obtainable success looks like.

Carrots And Sticks

Just as important as it is to visualize and name success, it is essential that we don’t use failure as a bludgeon. If you are like me, you learn more from your mistakes than when everything falls into place, but hitting yourself over the head doesn’t help anyone move forward. Getting back up, making any necessary changes, and trying again does. The carrot is always more persuasive than the stick.

Chances are you won’t get your success lists right the first time. Believe me, I rarely get anything right the first time. Allow yourself room to honestly reevaluate your measures of success. Some measures may need tweaking and some may turn out to be unreasonable. Think progress and not perfection. Be kind to yourself as you go to any length to bring positive change into your life.

That alone looks like success to me.

Thank you for reading.

As the days
weeks
as the years roll by
as vibrancy dims and fades
as the once easy turns into the perpetually hard

I celebrate these hard fought wins and triumphs
these successes pulled from anticipated defeat
smiling inward and radiating light

I cheer even knowing
how much harder I am destined to work
from now on forever