Can You Hear Me Now

Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.

Emily Dickenson

It used to be that if you asked me what I wanted I would have said “everything.” It didn’t matter if I earned the right to make such a statement. I wanted what I wanted and I expected everyone to understand that.

Not only did anyone not want to honor my ridiculous ask, I was in no way capable of handling everything. It’s like the old saying about the eyes being bigger than the stomach. Getting everything I wanted would have removed any semblance of humility and turned me into a very undesirable person.

On top of that, my excessive desires (even though I never got the everything I asked for) would often lead to someone(s) being left out and that’s a downward spiral that leads to a very lonely, empty place.

People were never enough. Life always fell short of my expectations. I was forever disappointed in who I was. Trust me, I know of such things.

Thankfully, I am working hard to overcome that. The journey from then to now has been a long and complicated one, but the gist is that I started letting go of my ego. Through a number of painful awakenings, I stopped feeling so self-important and started getting out of my own way. I started listening more, talking less, and accepting the idea of “just enough.”

Rather than wanting everything, I began asking myself, “What do I need?” Surprisingly, the answer turned out to be “not a lot.”

The biggest surprise of this change was a sense of peace and belonging. Rather than feeling resentful when I didn’t get my way, I felt happy when I could share “the way” with others. Instead of me existing on my own selfish island, I was building a community of shared success.

Fun fact: I was professionally employed for more than 40 years and every year I was forced to go through an annual review process. I say forced because with only one exception, the reviews were basically worthless. They were perfunctory tasks that taught me nothing substantial about how I was doing and what I could do to improve.

The one exception was when I pressed my then manager for something I could actually use and he added this statement to the comments section. “Andrew has little tolerance for those who fail to meet his expectations.” That was both brutal and, sadly, absolutely true. I wrote off and sidelined anyone who could not keep up with me. Rather than being the kind of person who lifted others up, I simply walked away to let them fend for themselves.

While I cannot say that my manager’s comment changed me overnight, it became a central part of my quest for a better me, and to this day the only annual review I can actually remember.

Boundaries

Some time ago I heard Brené Brown say that setting boundaries allows me to love you and me better. That was an eye opener. Contrary to what I used to think, setting a boundary is the opposite of closing myself off. It is not building a wall. It is building a bridge and that bridge allows me to meet the world in a safe and balanced way. A boundary helps me stay true to myself while giving others a path into my world.

The same is true when I respect the boundaries that others set. Knowing where someone’s “no” resides permits me to get close without becoming intrusive. By setting healthy boundaries, I am not only showing respect for others, I am respecting myself.

Defining honest and realistic needs creates a boundary for how I interact with others and as Dr. Brown said, it permits me to love them and me. By learning to live within my actual needs, I am setting a boundary that helps me find peace with my asks and the people I ask them from. It’s a pact that says “My needs are important and I promise to ask for only what I need.” In turn, I love myself for expressing and understanding this, and others for their reciprocal respect.

Practicing self-awareness is the foundation of setting healthy boundaries. This means being honest about what I can and cannot do, what I need and what I want. It also means being aware of my emotions (which has always been a difficult task) and recognizing when I am feeling drained or overwhelmed.

The happy emotions I do okay. The hard ones not so much.

When I set a boundary, it’s not just about me; it’s about honoring my relationship with others. By setting clear limits, I am showing respect for their time, energy, and emotions. This, in turn, creates a safe space for everyone involved to grow and thrive.

The Joy of No

It’s amazing how much more fulfilling life becomes when you start saying “no” to things that don’t serve you. It’s not about being selfish or controlling; it’s about taking care of yourself so that you can show up fully for others.

By embracing the power of setting boundaries, I have discovered a sense of freedom and joy. I am no longer stuck in the cycle of constant asking and never-ending disappointment. Instead, I am building a life filled with purpose, connection, and meaningful relationships.

As I look back on my journey, I realize that it’s not about getting everything I want; it’s about being intentional with what I ask for and receiving it with gratitude. It’s about recognizing my worth and honoring the worth of others. And it’s about finding peace in the simplicity and joy of just enough.

Thank you for reading.

Malvina Reynolds in Disguise (with Glasses)

You are a carpenter
a builder of boxes
uniform, sturdy, and downright impervious
unadorned, with the exception of a name
like mine
for I’ve felt the box around me
and the boundaries you’ve placed
on who I am
who I can be
what I can say
I’ve pushed hard against these walls
hoping to find a flaw in the construction
but you build your boxes well
and keep things in their place