Can You Hear Me Now

In Hinduism, Shiva is a deity who represents transformation. Through destruction and restoration, Shiva reminds us that endings are beginnings, and that our world is constantly undergoing a cycle of birth, death and rebirth.

Karen Salmansohn

Not too long ago I heard an interview with the director of the 2013 movie The Place Beyond the Pines. Derek Cianfrance told of how one of the stars, Ryan Gosling, came to him and said he wanted to push the boundaries with the movie by having more tattoos than any leading actor ever had. This included a tattoo on his face of a knife dripping with blood.

They shot the first day with the tattoo and after the rushes Ryan said he made a big mistake and wanted to re-shoot without it. The director said, “No. This is a movie about choices and the consequences that come from those choices. The tattoo stays.” Mr. Gosling was then forced to go through the rest of the filming with a facial adornment he was very uncomfortable with.

This got me thinking about the choices we all make on a daily basis. We choose to get out of bed and go to work. We choose how we treat the people around us. We choose what we put into our bodies and what comes out of our mouths. While some choices appear to be foisted upon us, we are the ultimate deciders of how to deal with them. I know people who woke up one morning and decided to no longer go to work. It wasn’t necessarily a good choice, but it was their choice.

Watermarks

The metaphor of the facial tattoo and the idea that we need to live with the consequences of our choices was extremely moving to me. I thought about my own emotional tattoos and how hard it is to hide them. There is a part of me that worries about the day the biggest ones will come glaring through. I know all too well that I can run from my tattoos, but they always catch up to me.

As with choices, some emotional tattoos are welcomed while others are etched unwillingly into our skin. A victim of a violent crime does not seek out the resultant tattoo. However, he or she can still choose how to present it to the world. That does not mean it won’t take a long time and a lot of hard work before the tattoo can be shown without “blaming the victim” shame. Some tattoos run deep and are etched with very vibrant inks. They cannot be simply wiped off and forgotten.

On the flip side, I proudly wear the joyous tattoos of my family, friends, and personal accomplishments. They are the virtual roses inked next to the knives and sculls and provide the necessary balance required to keep me from spiraling into a shame cycle.

Look
here it is
on my chest
covering a space the width of my heart

This piece of you
pressed and set into a piece of me
like a handprint in dried cement
or a tattoo’s stain inked dark and deep

A perpetual and determined watermark of what was
what is
and what shall always be

The most traumatic emotional tattoos are often so deeply inked that they never fully heal. After time, though, they can fade and may one day become too difficult to see with the naked eye.

It’s like the stages of grief. Emotional tattoos ebb and flow as we move back and forth towards a place of healing. I will always grieve some hurts, but over time I’ve learned to look at them in a more accepting way. I am now able to laugh and smile as I recount many of my deepest pains.

Each and every day we are presented with a new set of opportunities to be the person we want the world to see. We can decorate our lives with negativity or we can choose more joyful images to express ourselves.

That doesn’t mean that we should deny our hurts. It is essential that we allow ourselves to hurt and grieve. Thankfully, we can hold two truths in our hands at the same time. We hurt and we heal. We cry and we laugh. Let others help us bear the weight of our tattoos as we rise proudly from the ashes of despair.

Despite the best of our denial mechanisms and disappearing acts, we will always live with our tattoos. Unlike the ones that Ryan Gosling wore in his movie, they aren’t easily washed away at the end of the day. Left unattended for a long period of time, they will become a part of how we define ourselves and who we are perceived to be, and who wants to go through life known as they guy with the bloody knife on his face?

Thank you for reading.

I wear the ink of every blow I’ve ever landed
of every hurt I’ve caused
I bear the marks of all the wrongs brought upon me
the tattoos of anger and betrayal

Shadows of the people I’ve loved
and those who have shared their love with me
I am decorated with a catalog of human emotions
from lust to disappointment
from rapture to disgust

In black and gray
in every color, shade, and hue
these are the lines of my existence
these are the pictures painted from my actions
and the actions of others

Look at me from head to foot
this is who I am
the body art that is my life
may there always be room for more