Can You Hear Me Now

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.

Helen Keller

As soon as I was sure that retirement was imminent, I made serious efforts to expand my community. For decades, nearly everyone I associated with on a regular basis was connected to my jobs and for the most part these were transactional relationships. I certainly liked the people I worked with, but I knew that most would not be in my life after I turned in my badge and my network access was shut down.

My first step was to rejoin the nearby Unitarian church Linda and I left several years earlier. That opened the door to three different men’s groups that meet throughout the week.

While each group is unique in its purpose, they all begin with each person doing a quick check-in about his week. In a recent check-in, I spoke about where I was in my retirement transition and in the conversation that followed I was told I need to think about moving from to-do lists to a to-be list. Rather than spend all my time worrying about what I wanted to accomplish throughout the day or week, I might want to consider moving that energy towards who I want to be.

As simple as that might sound, it was earth shattering and unfortunately, very true about how I assigned my time. I spent decades planning out my work days/weeks/months with an endless collection of to-do lists — which were typically numerous Post-It notes on my PC monitor. Even though I am no longer employed, I was still making lists — both on paper, in digital documents, and in my head. A typical daily to-do list might look like this:

• Get out of bed by 6:30
• Eat breakfast
• Walk the dog
• Work around the house
• Take a shower
• Go shopping
• Eat lunch
• Play Wordle with Linda
• Go for a bike ride
• Etc.

Similar to my work relationships, I was been treating my day in a very transactional manner. Everything was a discrete task that focused on a physical outcome that did little for my spiritual well-being. Anything that made me a better person was not planned and all too often, not recognized.

Moving the above to-do list to a to-be list looks like the following:

• Be someone who cares about his health. This is demonstrated in waking up after eight hours of sleep, moving my body (walking the dog, riding my bike, doing housework), and eating healthy foods.
• Be connected with my spouse. This can be seen in doing shared activities like playing Wordle, preparing meals, and shopping. Being present and grateful during all our times together.
• Be kind to others. I see that in things like giving my dog a good life and keeping the weeds down so my neighbors don’t see my house as an eyesore.
• Be kind to myself. My bike rides are a gift that give me alone time to reflect on who I am and who I want to be.

I could add many more examples, but you see where I am going. Instead of focusing on transactional outcomes, I am enabling a system whereby by to-do tasks are derived naturally naturally from a to-be list. I still need to determine what my daily tasks are, but they become part of something bigger, connected, and more growth oriented. In the end, everything from vacuuming the house to checking in emotionally with Linda becomes part of my spiritual practice. It’s amazing how putting ordinary things into different boxes changes their worth and place in life.

I continue adding to my to-be list in an organic manner. Some items are no-brainers (be thankful) while other require more effort (be more connected to my adult children). I like that, though. I am thankful for goals that are easily met, and understand the need to stretch myself in ways that are important, but far from easy. I learn more from hard work than anything that simply falls into my lap.

Looking Back

This is not just for old, retired guys like me and I wish I practiced this approach during my working years. Imagine how much more effective I would have been if I framed my days in who I wanted to be on the job rather than on what I wanted to do. I would have loved looking at workday like this:

• Be curious
• Be a good listener
• Be courageous
• Be productive
• Be a good boundary setter
• Be joyful
• Be helpful

As with my personal life, my work tasks would quickly find homes in their complementary to-be categories.

What’s not to love about this approach? My company, my coworkers, my manager, my customers, and I are all winners and how often does that happen? This almost makes me want to go back to work and try it out. Almost, but not not enough to give up my much more gratifying retired life.

Making a to-be list is still quite new to me, but I like where it’s going and hope you feel the same. I would love it if you shared your thoughts as you reframe your life from doing to being. Don’t be afraid to break old patterns, challenge yourself, and make mistakes. Be who you were meant to be warts and all.

Lastly, don’t forget to add some form of accountability to every to-be list. At the end of the day, ask yourself did I listen when others were speaking to me? Was I open to new ideas? Did I maintain personal boundaries? Making a list without taking the necessary action makes this an exercise in futility and that’s as bad as a PC monitor covered with Post-It notes that sit there forever.

Thank you for reading.

It feels like it always did
the way the sun drifts lazily across the blue robin sky
or the moon and stars
punching holes in a sea of darkness until they are swallowed by the dawn
these things I’ve always known and counted on
the constants and the sames

Until now
when they are not
nor will they ever be again

Not when it feels like it always did
no more